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Mayim Bialik has many great theories for raising kids holistically and practising attachment parenting. She also has some very questionable ones. Beyond the fact that she's clearly a loving parenting and highly educated woman, she's very vocal about her beliefs when it comes to child rearing, and oftentimes it comes off as pretentious and overbearing. Sometimes, she's just too much, and she's been known to push ideas that she honestly isn't in any position to talk about.
People are very interested in the way she raises her children, and it's wonderful that she's so open about her decisions and choices (well, except for her back and forth stance on vaccinations). At the same time, she writes article after article, and even a book all about raising kids, and sometimes it comes across as a big "I'm-a-better-parent-than-you" fest.
There are many things Mayim does that are completely spot on, such as being loving and allowing her kids to develop at their own pace. Then she does strange things like chewing up her kids food for them (it only happened a couple of times), and following her kids around waiting for little cues that tell her they have to use the bathroom before they can even walk. It can seriously leave you scratching your head.
Perhaps the most frustrating thing of all about Bialik's constant updates on her parenting style, is the fact that everyone takes what she says extremely seriously, given her Ph.D status. She's a wonderful mother in many ways, and I'm not denying that she deserves to have her ideas heard. But the power she holds can also be a dangerous thing, as she pushes controversial ideas onto people who don't understand that a PH D and an MD are two completely different things. Her Ph.D in neuroscience does not qualify her to tell the masses about how harmful antibiotics are for sick children, and those that follow her practices to the tee can put their children at risk.
Mayim is a TODAY Moms contributor, and in post about her parenting methods she wrote, "Yes, I am a bit cerebral about parenting. Maybe I should just chill out and go with the flow. Well, for a lot of reasons, from my childhood to my doctorate, I believe strongly in conscious, child-centered parenting. It doesn’t make me better than you, but it does make you need to wait for me on walks with our kids, because I can guarantee you my kid’s not as fast a walker as yours. And that’s okay."
Truly, I like Bialik. I think she has many valid points, and some of her views are a breath of fresh air in a society that seems to currently put mothers needs and desires above their children's. That being said, she has some highly controversial stances, and I would hope people do their own research before hopping on board with everything she believes in.
No enforcing "Thank You," "Please," or "I'm Sorry"
Mayim's practice of not teaching her kids to say "please," "thank you," or "I'm sorry," leaves many parents assuming that instilling politeness and graciousness in her kids is not important to her. This couldn't be further from the truth! In actuality, she wants them to express these things, but she wants them to do it on their own terms. She encourages them to be polite and show respect for those around them, but she wants it to be genuine. When her kids say it, she wants it to come from the heart and to not be simply something they're repeating back because it's the "norm". In an interview with TIME, when asked about this parenting practice, she replied,
"Grandparents, for example, often expect 'pleases' and 'thank yous.' We had to have conversations with them that we believe in teaching natural expressions of appreciation. Eventually, in a very age-appropriate manner, my children have generated “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry.”
Bialik believes strongly in model parenting. If kids hear their parents saying "please," and "thank you," she believes the children will say it on their own when the time is right, when it really clicks in for them.
Gentle Parenting Methods
Bialik is a strong supporter of attachment and gentle parenting methods. This includes absolutely no spanking, focusing on positive reinforcement and preventative measures that redirect your children before they have a meltdown. Being that it has to do with kids, it's naturally controversial. Parents who don't follow these methods often look down on the practices involved in gentle parenting, believing wholeheartedly that kids need more structure and discipline in order to thrive. Perhaps it's simply because of the way they were raised, or perhaps it's because they feel that those who practice attachment parenting are looking down on the rest of the world from their high horse. Either way, Bialik has a very valid take on it. When TIME asked if it's a common criticism of attachment parenting that the child is in charge, Mayim replied,
"Developmental psychologists favor a child-centered philosophy at home. We are raised in a culture where parents’ needs and happiness are often put before children’s. I have a life. My kids don’t run my house. Attachment parenting is not a passive parenting style.
The subtle difference is that you are very committed to being near your child and you’re also committing yourself to not encourage early independence but to embrace the natural progression of independence."
When the kids are ready
Extended breastfeeding often goes hand-in-hand with attachment and gentle parenting methods. The idea is the same: You let your child develop and progress on their own time. If they're not showing signs of wanting to wean from the breast, you continue feeding until they decide they're done, no matter their age. It's a touchy subject, because many women feel inadequate, or feel as if they're being shamed for choosing to wean their baby from breastfeeding early, or even choosing not to breastfeed at all. They think they're being viewed as selfish or as "quitters."
On the flip side, people also assume that those that practice extended breastfeeding are doing so because of their own seemingly unhealthy attachment to their child, almost as if they're not willing to accept that their baby is growing up. Ultimately, no matter your choices as a parent, there will always be someone out there that judges you, that's just a fact of life. Mayim couldn't care less how others view her or her choice to breastfeed for longer than is considered normal. Well, that's not entirely true. People have been cruel to her in the past for her choice to breastfeed her son until age four. She told In Touch the criticism "made her cry."
"People laughed and sneered but it wasn’t wrong. Just because you do something your way doesn’t mean you can judge people who don’t. I don’t think I’m a better mom and my kids aren’t necessarily better off than yours.
The way that I parent is the way thousands of women parent all over the world, but I get flak for it. People say really mean things!"
All Organic, Or Else...
Bialik has been a vegan since her late teens, and claims she saw a great improvement in her health after cutting out dairy products from her diet. After finding out that her son is allergic to dairy products, it drove the point home. She says it, "sort of confirmed even more that human babies are not made to process cow’s milk.” As a cheese lover and milk drinker, even I have to agree that this has proven to be true.
"To me, it’s more of a lifestyle decision. You can pay now for organic food, or you can pay later for the healthcare costs.”
Her family's diet is completely meat and dairy free, and you will never catch them at the zoo or the circus. She not only instills in her kids that there are health benefits to avoiding these foods, it's important to her that she teaches her children that animals have feelings and they refuse to support the mistreatment of animals. Mayim has even published a cookbook named Mayim's Vegan Table, and she claims that any step towards a life with less animal products is a good one if going completely vegan seems too daunting. "It’s not like we’re saying hang by your ankles upside down for 5 hours a day.We’re talking about something that has been suggested by medical major organizations. It’s not that crazy to consider eating less dairy, meat, and processed foods."
Babywearing
Babywearing is a big part of attachment parenting. Those that practise attachment parenting follow the main guidelines of letting your child explore and practice independence at their own rate. It does not matter if your child is eight months old and no longer wants to be held as often, or they're five and they still want to be held by you at all times, the idea is that you let each individual child develop independence at their own rate. So, naturally most moms (or dads) who practice attachment parenting are often seen wearing their baby in a sling, even when their child is capable of walking on their own.
Mayim told Celebrity Baby Blog, "If I had to have one thing on a desert island, it would be my Maya Wrap ring sling. I can use it with my 32-pound, 3-year-old and my newborn and my husband can use it too (and he’s 6′ tall and I’m not). It’s the most versatile thing. I take it everywhere I go.”
We live in a society that reinforces the idea that all children should be raised in the same manner, and that they need to grow up at similar rates, when this is obviously not true. After all, every single child is unique, and should be treated as such. Mayim has received many rude stares and mean comments in her time as a mom, which is never okay. Babywearing past a certain age is viewed as "babying" your child or "not allowing them to grow up." The misconception that holding your children close and allowing them to call the shots when it comes to the frequency in which they're held leads to weak or clingy kids is prevalent, but statistically untrue.
sleeping arrangements
Bed-sharing is highly controversial, because unlike extended breastfeeding and babywearing, it's highly advised against by professionals, as it can be dangerous. Co-sleeping is commonly mistaken for bed-sharing, but in actuality, co-sleeping is simply sleeping in the same room as your child, which is generally recommended until your baby is between three and six months old, as the risk of SIDS is still present during the first half of a baby's first year. It's cut down drastically by three months old, and by six months old, the risk is next to none. Bed-sharing, on the other hand, highly increases the odds of a newborn passing from SIDS, due to the increase in blankets, pillows, and the fact that people may roll over, unaware of the baby next to them in their exhausted haze. Mayim vehemently defends her choice to bed-share, however. She wrote an article on TODAY Moms, defending her stance.
"Sleeping with your children is not unsafe. It’s actually really safe and really smart: you know the condition of your child at any time at an arm’s length. There are well-established guidelines for how to sleep safely with your baby. A mother’s body is designed to adjust to help her newborn achieve optimal body temperature; talk about smart!"
She went on to say, "Rolling onto a baby is an exaggerated fear that is not based on any research. It is not hard to make a bed safe for a baby. Either put it on the floor or get a bed rail to keep your little one from rolling out." The only problem I see here is that there are actually quite a few instances of parents rolling over onto their babies while sleeping, and some have even been charged with manslaughter. Still, it's a choice Mayim has made, and if it works for her family, it's really no concern of ours.
No Sharing
Bialik doesn't believe in forcing her children to share, and it's surprisingly popular nowadays. Of course, many people disagree with this, since it's a fairly new idea. She explained her reasoning on TODAY Moms, saying,
"I go nuts when I am at the park with my kids and parents hover over children, alternatively scolding them for not sharing toys with my kids and scolding my kids for not sharing with theirs.
Here’s my deal: when my kid is done with that toy, they’ll give your kid a turn, and if your kid is not done with a toy, my kid can go ahead and wait, even if they throw the tantrum to end all tantrums about it." She went on to say, "It’s my job as a parent to help them deal with disappointment and to distract them or offer alternatives in that situation."
The main reason Bialik implemented this practice is because she thinks it's important for children to learn to do the right thing because they genuinely want to, and they understand why. Not simply because a parent is nagging or telling them to do so. It helps built trust between the parent and child, as well as promoting emotional intelligence and true empathy.
Diaperless Potty Training
Otherwise known as elimination communication, Mayim has a crunchy way of dealing with potty training as well. She told Baby Center, "The entire concept is not to potty train them, it’s not to do reward and punishment, I don’t clap my hands and say, ‘Good job.’
It’s a very zen, meditative experience of learning the signals, being able to respond to the signals. The level of communication you can achieve with an infant is really profound."
Apparently her son, Miles stopped wetting his diapers after six months, and was in his undies only 6 months later. She went on to say, "I do believe babies are born potty-trained. They’re born knowing, and are able to give subtle signals that become very prominent if you reinforce them." Most parents tend to agree that elimination communication is more about training the parents than training the baby or toddler to use the bathroom. Not to mention the fact that many babies are unable to understand the physical sensation of eliminating until between two to three years old. Essentially the parents are waiting and watching for the little cues that let them know the baby is about to go.
To each their own, though. If Mayim is okay with watching her child's every move for a signal that they have to go, stopping everything every 1 to 3 hours to assist them to the bathroom when they can't hold their own head up, more power to her! The majority of us are simply too lazy or busy for all of that. Babies are exhausting as it is!
No Sleep Training
There are many forms of sleep training, though most people tend to immediately think it's the same thing as the "cry-it-out" method. (Which is absolutely false by the way). Even the most gentle forms of sleep training typically involve the parents taking control of the family schedule, instead of letting their lives revolve around their infant's sleeping habits. It's about setting your infant up for restful sleep that is beneficial for everyone involved, by giving them small cues that it's time for bed, even if you know they'll wake up in an hour.
Mayim Bialik is not interested in any form of sleep training at all. She wrote an article touching on the four main reasons she doesn't agree with sleep training.
She is focused more on the cry-it-out method when she claims, "Nature designed it so that mammal mothers would drop everything to tend to their crying baby. Any sleep training or sleep modification regimen that involves your baby crying and you not tending to it is going against your natural mammalian wiring. Similarly, any time you become immune to those cries, you are pushing down a very strong hormonally primed instinct to protect and help your baby and that’s kind of sad to me."
Some agree with her points, and others don't. Ultimately, she advocates for women to shift their focus away from the mentality of, "I can't be a good mom if I don't get sleep," to "I can handle this, I was made for this, and it's all totally normal."
Feeding On Demand
Feeding on demand is widely accepted nowadays, and honestly, it's kind of funny that it even has a name. So, what does it mean? It means you feed your baby when they're hungry. Wow, what a concept! Something that seems like common sense to most is actually lost on some. It's far and few between, but there are mothers out there that feed their baby on an extremely strict schedule. Perhaps it's every two hours, maybe three. It doesn't matter if their baby gets hungry an hour after feeding time, they will make their infant wait until the next scheduled feeding time to give them a bottle. I'm not sure what the reasoning behind this is, other than taking schedules to the extreme, but it does exist.
Mayim is not about that life! It's another practice that stems from attachment and gentle parenting, though honestly it should just be called common sense. You let your baby take the lead. If they're going through cluster feeding, you listen to their cues and feed them as long as they need, even if it means you're glued to the couch all day long. This is beneficial for the baby if they're going through a growth spurt and need more milk, it's great for bonding, and it gives the mother's milk supply a boost for their increased appetite. Somehow people think this is another way she lets her children run her life, but she has plenty of supporters as well.
Reading Baby's Cries
Mayim is a strong believer in preventing your infant from crying, rather than handling it after the fact. Obviously, this doesn't work out every single time, but you'd be surprised how much it does work. Anyone with a child will tell you that most of the time, they can tell what their baby is crying about, and they have a general idea of things that might set them off.
Bialik also holds the belief that by babywearing, bedsharing, and breastfeeding, you're already automatically cutting out a big chunk of time that your baby might cry from being left alone. It all goes hand-in-hand. In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Bialik said "honoring a baby's voice, meaning honoring a baby's cry, and not seeing babies as manipulative.
Attachment parenting is not permissive parenting, but the general notion is children have feelings that should be valued, and we do not coerce them simply because it's inconvenient that they're having emotions."
It's all about respecting your baby and their needs and desires. This all may sound pretentious to some, but if you keep in mind that she's not actively saying that most parents don't care about their baby's needs and don't listen or respect them, it's much easier to swallow. And if you think about it, there is a trend in our society right now which celebrates moms that put their own needs high, and push babies to grow at a rate that's convenient for the parents.
All-Natural Home Birth
Mayim doesn't look down on those that go to the hospital to give birth, especially when there's a reason for it. She respects women's decision to decide for themselves how they'd like to bring their baby into the world. But she also advocates for natural home births and enjoys educating people everywhere about the emotional benefits. She doesn't believe in inducing birth, unless of course it's needed for a specific reason. The administration of drugs such as Pitocin, getting an epidural, episiotomies, these are all things that Bialik deems unnecessary and sometimes even harmful for both the mother and baby. On TODAY Moms, she wrote,
"These are interventions that are designed to help hospitals and doctors get the baby out of your body faster, which is not biologically preferable nor healthy for mother or baby.
The first intervention most often given, that of Pitocin, brings on contractions more powerful and spaced more closely together than nature intended (which can lead to lowering the fetus' heart rate, thus causing alarm and often calls for a C-section); it's no wonder Pitocin very often leads to epidurals. One intervention often snowballs into another, and this is part of what has led to the astounding rate of unnecessary C-sections in this country." And she's not wrong. My birth felt a lot like an inconvenience to my doctor's lunch plans, and was over within 40 minutes.
Homeschool
Are you surprised that Bialik homeschools her kids? Probably not. Again, the more time they spend together, the better in her eyes. She told the Washington Times,
"We see what our son is interested in, and gently introduce new ideas. We listen to him and try not to overwhelm him, or push him when he’s not ready. Our general rule is, ‘Don’t fight the kid.’ We don’t do flashcards or sing the alphabet song when he shows an interest in letters, but when he asks ‘Can I make a name card for someone?’ we write out the name and let him trace out the letters."
Bialik teaches two homeschooling groups each week, one in Hebrew and one in neuroscience. To her surprise, her son started picking up the Hebrew alphabet simply by being exposed to her classes. Education is extremely important to her, but she doesn't force it on her kids to go faster or further than they're ready to. She lets them go at their own pace, which we can all agree is seriously lacking in the education system. Bialik also limits television time, and strongly suggests that her kids read frequently instead. It sounds like she's doing a wonderful job!
No Stroller
In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Bialik said, "Breastfeeding is the natural, optimal way to feed a child. Sleeping with your child, wearing your child in a sling as opposed to pushing them around in expensive strollers, those are things that matter biologically and sociologically for the structure of a family." Remember, all of these practices play a role in the bigger picture for Mayim.
She practices babywearing using a sling, instead of pushing her babies around in strollers. She believes that keeping your babies close is the way to go, because it increases your bond with the baby and ensures that your little one feels loved and secure.
It all ties into her attachment parenting style. Hold them close and everyone will benefit. She told Parenting, "Babies want to be held, and we want to have a life. It gets everyone's needs met at once. We get to be part of the world, and we get to be hands-free. We think it's the safest way for babies to explore their surroundings. It's also inexpensive when you compare it to strollers and car seat carriers."
No Playroom In The House
Instead of having a playroom full of toys, Mayim prefers to just let the kids explore and share the entire house. She claims, "Our society's obsession with consumerism, especially in the realm of baby things, baby soaps and baby products. That's something that my husband and I, partly for frugality and partly for environmental reasons, have really rejected."
She's somewhat practicing minimalism, and choosing eco-friendly toys and products is important to her. She says her kids have everything they need to keep themselves educated and entertained, without buying all the latest gadgets. Of course, she's not a fan of electronic toys, iPads, and other noisy gadgets with screens.
"We figure everything out without spending a lot of money on that kind of stuff."
You've got to appreciate her patience and drive. Cutting out television time from your kids life means you spend a lot more time following them around and keeping them out of trouble. Mayim says she lets her kids play outdoors a lot, because it's good for kids to experience nature. Playing outside keeps your children active and allows their imagination to soar. Of course, this is always supervised, and when her kids were younger, she'd wear them in a sling and take walks to explore nature together.
She Speaks To Them Like Adults
Bialik is big on speaking to her kids like adults, and more importantly, using proper diction. You'd never hear her speaking in baby talk to her kids when they were younger. No "ba-ba" or "boo-boo" in the Bialik house. It's important to speak clearly to your kids because it teaches them how to properly sound out words, instead of subtly enforcing them to speak gibberish.
It goes beyond babytalk though. Bialik believes strongly in explaining your reasoning to your kids and working through their emotions by having conversations with them on their level. If one of her kids has a meltdown, she'll often sit them down and encourage them to work through their feelings with her, instead of telling them to calm down or get over it.
Now that her kids are older, she's open about puberty and "the talk." She told People, "We’ve always spoken to our children very frankly and in biologically appropriate terms.”
“We don’t want them to have shame about their bodies or fear about women’s bodies. While we tend to be a pretty socially conservative house in terms of how we dress and how we talk about modesty for boys and girls, we’re very matter of fact with them. We know that a daddy cell meets a mommy cell and all those things.”
No Medicine
Mayim's children have never had antibiotics or medication. Luckily her kids seem to be fine, but it's a highly controversial topic. Not everyone knows how to read their child, and in many cases, when kids get sick and it seems to be no big deal, there can always be something worse going on that requires medical intervention.
"Between our two boys, ages six and three-and-a-half, we have dealt with just about every ailment, sickness and flu out there. However, neither of our sons has ever been on antibiotics, nor do we give them Tylenol, Motrin, antihistamines or cough syrup.
I've learned from talking to other moms that almost everything you have right now in your home and your heart is enough to deal with mostly everything. I'm not arguing to be negligent."
This is a dangerous idea to push out to the masses, and could potentially cause kids to fall severely ill under certain circumstances if parents start trying to fix serious issues with some honey and lemongrass. Limiting the amount of medication your child gets is great! If you can get your children through small colds with natural home remedies, more power to you. But this kind of thinking could also land your kid in the hospital if you're not educated on the matter. There is nothing wrong with taking your kid to the doctor and giving them antibiotics when they're needed, instead of letting them suffer through an infection or cold for twice as long because you want to tackle the issue holistically.
Does She Vaccinate Or Not?
Bialik has flip-flopped between claiming doesn't vaccinate to her kids, to vehemently claiming she does. It's a little unclear whether she had a change of heart, or is simply covering her butt after receiving hate over it. However, she has promoted anti-vaccine literature on her blog, as well as outright saying her kids are not vaccinated. She told People,
"We are a non-vaccinating family, but I make no claims about people’s individual decisions. We based ours on research and discussions with our paediatrician, and we’ve been happy with that decision, but obviously there’s a lot of controversy about it."
She also has posted statistics and other tidbits that encourage parents to not vaccinate their kids from time to time on various articles. Then she turned around later and posted on Facebook, wondering why people think she doesn't vaccinate her kids. The post is now deleted, but it read, "I would like to dispel the rumors about my stance on vaccines. I am not anti-vaccine. My children are vaccinated. There has been so much hysteria and anger about this issue and I hope this clears things up as far as my part."
Perhaps she spreads them out or delays the vaccines. Either way, any false information spread about vaccinations is never a good thing in my book, and given her stance on giving kids regular medications like Advil, it's not hard to believe.
References: EOnline.com BabyCenter.com EverdayHealth.com TimesofIsrael.com HuffingtonPost.com
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